Not so much fun in the sand

October 29, 2011

     I woke up to the sun beating down on my room and thankful that the A/C unit was blowing cold air. Two days before Halloween, two days before knowing that kids halfway across the world would be dressing up and going door to door gathering candy. Soon I will be a father and will be taking my kids, dressing them up in their "favorite" costume to take them trick-or-treating. As I sat on my bed gathering my thoughts for the day there was a knock at the door. It was one of my newly made Australian friends. Lance Corporal Gavin "Hey man do you want to come out and watch the Afghans do drills?" I replied "I appreciate the offer but I am going to Skype back to the states". He nodded and turned and left. Not knowing that would be the last time that I would speak to him ever. The next hour went on like it had since I was put into that small box in the middle of the sand. I got off my laptop, put on my work out clothes and headed out the door ready to go for a run. Our compound was 1/4 mile by 1/4 mile with an internal compound of 100 yrds x 100 yrds. We had our weights and stuff but if I wanted to run, I had to carry my M9 with me. It was a little cumbersome at first but you get used to running with it. I walked towards the gate of the internal compound checking with others as I rounded the last connex. Crap! I turn around and walk back to my room. My dog tags hung from hook next to my bed. I didn't sleep with them on because it feels like it am being choked. As I grabbed my tags from their hook, the unmistakable sound of bullets flying by and impacting the hesco walls of the internal compound. 

     I pull the door shut and grab my body armor. Are we being attacked? What is my next move? My hand distinctively moves to my M9 as I ready up and move out of my room. Chaos! I proceed to the JOC to find out what has happened. The LT there informs me that one of the ANA has "gone rouge and shot the shit out of our guys!!" "Holy Fuck!" I exclaim. "Where...Where do you need me and what can I do to help?!" The LT hands me his rifle, "take this and go to the watch tower and provide overwatch for our guys as they do what needs to be done until you are relieved. Also if any of them move on our guys, protect them at all cost!" "Yes Sir!" I retort and haul ass towards the only tower we had on our internal compound. As I climbed the steps up, breathing heavily and not knowing what awaits me on the other side, I make it to the top. The smell of gunpowder and dust filled the air. There was also the hint of blood that tinged my nostrils. I kneeled down and mounted the gun to the wall that was in front of me. I peered through the sights into the compound before me readying myself in the event that I had to pull the trigger. Not knowing what was happening right below me.

     I stole a few seconds to peer over the ledge before me in order to check what was going on. To find the words to describe the scene is not easy. One body lay in the middle of the parade field covered with a blood stained sheet. I don't know who that is....I can't make out from where I am if that is one of our guys or one of theirs. I look through the site of the rifle to get a better picture. I still cannot tell.... "Hey!" I hear shouts from below. "Hey, keep eyes out there!" "On it!" I reply. I could see one of our interpreters running from the ANA medical building to an area right below me. He was bringing blankets, medical supplies, water and other stuff that I can't make out. From below I heard the cries of agony, pain, suffering, and heartbreak as those who where tending to the wounded were hurting knowing that three of theirs were lost just then. I am losing track of time watching the compound from my perch. I don't know how long its been but the cries are softening now and there is less commotion going on.

     Has it been 45 mins or 3 hrs, I cannot tell as time is running fast now. The first of the Apache helicopters shows up and just sits. I am in awe at the machine hovering about 300 feet up. He is constantly rotating and surveying the area looking for any threats. The turret mounted gun swivels from right to left every few secs as I see his head move around. "Rodriguez, make sure you are watching for the helo's coming in soon!" shouts the LT from the ground behind me. "Roger that sir!" I shout back. Not even 15 mins have passed since the 1st Apache shows up when another one takes its place after escorting the 1st UH-60 medical helicopter. It swoops in real low and almost looks like it is going to crash but then it noses down and puts its gear not 50 ft from where the opening to our internal compound is. As this first blackhawk lands, the original Apache leaves back to its base leaving behind the other Apache to provide over-watch.

     I sat in that hesco barrier watch tower for 3 hrs that day and watched as they loaded the injured and dead in to the medical helicopters and sent them away to be treated. This is a memory that is forever engraved into my brain and I will never forget it. I met some of the most amazing people that day and the days to follow. Some of whom I still have regular contact with and some who I will never be able to talk to again. Each October as the years go by is not any easier than the previous as the emotions, thoughts, sights, and sounds flood back and take over.

Rest in peace brothers and may Valhalla be everything we all dream it to be.

Random Thoughts At Random Times

     Often times I don't know where to start. My days overlap each other to the point where I cannot see when one ends and the other begins. It seems that no matter how hard I try to accomplish something, things slip through my fingers into the abyss that is my brain. Towards the beginning it was easier to grasp what was happening as the days dragged on, my mind would race to the fleeting moment of relief that the day was over and I could go home. Now it seems that the only thing my mind races to is when am I going to eat next, what will I drink next, when is the next restroom break. I cannot help these thoughts from happening, yet they continue without resolve. I can only hope that within the short future that is ahead, some clarity comes forward to calm the brainwaves that crash along the shore of my conscious. 

     As I sit in this box and type away, I see little bits of myself wasting away to the ultimate end that waits for us all. Never knowing what will actually happen and if it does happen, how it will come to be. I don't cherish coming to this place day in and day out, but I come because I am duty bound to it. Like a moth to a light, I cannot avoid it regardless of how hard I try and fight it. There will be an end to it all and there will be a clearing of the storm, but when will that happen. The moth only knows the light and the mind only knows whats present. I can't see past the next minute, day or week but only what is ahead of me right now. Lunch, sandwich, chips, grapes, yogurt...

     The ramblings of my mind are that of someone who doesn't perceive reality that is set forth before them. Always watching, always looking, and always on guard. You don't know where it will come from or where its been, but it will get there in due time. They say that a mans brain is like a set of boxes. Each labeled with what they are thinking about at that point in time. My boxes have all burnt down and just ash sits in their place. Broken and defeated I wonder on into this life that is before me. I know not of what will come but expect it to be something that I have not faced before but could face again.

     Events happen and I pay attention. I see more than most when it comes to whats going on. I take it in. I study it. I learn what it means and then act on it. I deal in absolutes. Not knowing what will happen drives me to learn what can be found out there. Time and location are key to ensuring that the race can be finished. With others waiting on me, with me waiting on me, how can I go forward. I look at what has happened and what will come, by certainty it will pass. I will be at the finish line in time for the next race but will it all be worth it in the end. Do I have the expectation that everything is in the proper place?

      Sitting and standing comes to me like a rake to leaves. Its labored but must be done. My body aches and hurts more than it doesn't. Breathing becomes difficult and so does living. I must push forward for no one other than the ones that look to me for guidance, strength, commitment, encouragement, and love. But to what end do I push? When will the pain leave this tired body? How much more must be done before its settled... no one knows. The cycle continues through to the next and begins again.